he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
