dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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