That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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