Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
