I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
