Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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