I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize