Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
