It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
