I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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