You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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