Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
