The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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