I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
