Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
