Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
