So drunk its hurt
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
