I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
