I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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