these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
