A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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