dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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