Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
