Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
