forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize