No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
