Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
