please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
