Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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