About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
how drunk are you?
Several
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
