It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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