just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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