I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
