Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
