You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
