please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
