So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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