My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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