so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
