I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
