it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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