Already got asked if we're dating
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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