I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Never underestimate the power of titties
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