I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
