I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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