Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
