Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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