I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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