why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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