someone threw a dead crab at me
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
