Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Can I color on your dick again?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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