You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
