Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
