Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
