my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
