she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
